A scholar recently made claims to have found a fragment of papyrus that has a portion of a statement supposedly by Jesus where he says "My wife...." The papyrus is about the size of a business card and written in Coptic text. The phrase is cut off so it is really unsure what the next part of the statement would have been. It could "...if I had one.""...is the Bible." Or you could insert most any thing. Being that this papyrus dates from roughly 300 AD, at this point it is anybodys guess what was being said or meant. Needless to say it is causing an uproar in religious scholarly circles with some claiming it's a fake and others waiting for further verification. Though, surprisingly, the Vatican has been silent and is yet to issue to a true statement on the discovery. But let's face it their holy knickers are probably in a twist as they formulate how they will deal with this should it eventually be proven true. And I totally wouldn't count out some Dan Brownian conspiracy type cover up to be attempted to discredit the whole thing since the Papacy has made it clear how it views women in the church and its history and they staunchly have held that women were not disciples--Even though Mary Magdalene might have something to say about that.
Disregarding all that, the prospect that Jesus may have been married does bring up some interesting dynamics of what would have been quite the holy relationship. Herewith, please suspend your blasphemous recriminations and let's take a look at the possible pros and cons of such a relationship.
Pros
How much closer to God in heaven and the pearly gates can you get besides dating the big deity themselves--it's the instant get out of hell free card.
He's probably a blast at parties. "Welcome to our home, Jesus will be turning water into wine later so please let him know if you want red or white."
No one elses husband will have a better job. Sure Abraham has a the biggest sheep herd in town but can he heal your leprosy? I think not.
You never have to worry about drowning, Jesus can just walk out on the water and save you. A skill also excellent for water skiing without skis and synchronized swimming.
You will never go hungry as there will always be plenty of loaves and fishes.
Being a carpenter he is very handy around the house--a total miracle for home repairs.
On the popularity scale as a couple you'd be top of the Mount Ararat heap. And really who doesn't want to be liked.
You'd never have to worry about him cheating, drinking, gambling, lying, cursing or pretty much any other sin you can think of.
Your kids would be able to get into all the best schools. Who doesn't want to hear what Jesus has to say at the next PTA meeting or have Jesus in the stands cheering on your team?
You'd actually have God on your side for god's sake.
If you do happen to sin you can probably count on his forgiveness as he is totally non-judgemental.
He will always be in your heart and the afterlife is just a resurrection away.
Your wedding paintings have a spectacular glow to them.
Cons
You'd never win an argument. Who wants to argue with the son of God--he's such a know it all and so is his dad.
He doesn't sin--at all. After awhile that could get a little boring. I mean sure he threw the money changers out of church and that made him kind of hot for a little bit but the goody goody act gets a little old.
During sex do you really want to be calling out his father's name over and over? (oh god, oh god, oh god yes!)
Bread and fish again for dinner--but we had that last night and the night before. Fish stew, fried fish, fish casserole...ugh make it stop.
All those followers who keep showing up at your adobe at all hours of the day. It's great to be famous but these groupies can be annoying. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John really need some other hobbies.
The emperor's soldiers are constantly checking up on you.
Does he have to stop and help everybody? I mean can't we just have some alone time?
The other wives would probably be totally jealous and not your real friends. Just because she's married to the son of God she thinks she's all that.
He's constantly hanging out with his 12 guy friends--he says they are doing his dad's work but....
That whole vow of simple life and poverty kind of sucks.
If one more person asks you "what would Jesus do?" you just might snap.
No one realizes just how hard it is to be good all the time. No drinking, cursing, etc.
Just exactly who is this Mary Magdalene person he is hanging out with? He might trust here, because, well he trusts everyone, but let's face it she is a fallen woman.
You can never take his dad's name in vain again.
Okay so these things are subjective and a bit ridiculous but in the end, let's face, the pros of being the wife of Jesus are going to far outweigh the cons. After all, the Bible says "Jesus is love" and what woman would say no to that.
Disregarding all that, the prospect that Jesus may have been married does bring up some interesting dynamics of what would have been quite the holy relationship. Herewith, please suspend your blasphemous recriminations and let's take a look at the possible pros and cons of such a relationship.
Pros
How much closer to God in heaven and the pearly gates can you get besides dating the big deity themselves--it's the instant get out of hell free card.
He's probably a blast at parties. "Welcome to our home, Jesus will be turning water into wine later so please let him know if you want red or white."
No one elses husband will have a better job. Sure Abraham has a the biggest sheep herd in town but can he heal your leprosy? I think not.
You never have to worry about drowning, Jesus can just walk out on the water and save you. A skill also excellent for water skiing without skis and synchronized swimming.
You will never go hungry as there will always be plenty of loaves and fishes.
Being a carpenter he is very handy around the house--a total miracle for home repairs.
On the popularity scale as a couple you'd be top of the Mount Ararat heap. And really who doesn't want to be liked.
You'd never have to worry about him cheating, drinking, gambling, lying, cursing or pretty much any other sin you can think of.
Your kids would be able to get into all the best schools. Who doesn't want to hear what Jesus has to say at the next PTA meeting or have Jesus in the stands cheering on your team?
You'd actually have God on your side for god's sake.
If you do happen to sin you can probably count on his forgiveness as he is totally non-judgemental.
He will always be in your heart and the afterlife is just a resurrection away.
Your wedding paintings have a spectacular glow to them.
Cons
You'd never win an argument. Who wants to argue with the son of God--he's such a know it all and so is his dad.
He doesn't sin--at all. After awhile that could get a little boring. I mean sure he threw the money changers out of church and that made him kind of hot for a little bit but the goody goody act gets a little old.
During sex do you really want to be calling out his father's name over and over? (oh god, oh god, oh god yes!)
Bread and fish again for dinner--but we had that last night and the night before. Fish stew, fried fish, fish casserole...ugh make it stop.
All those followers who keep showing up at your adobe at all hours of the day. It's great to be famous but these groupies can be annoying. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John really need some other hobbies.
The emperor's soldiers are constantly checking up on you.
Does he have to stop and help everybody? I mean can't we just have some alone time?
The other wives would probably be totally jealous and not your real friends. Just because she's married to the son of God she thinks she's all that.
He's constantly hanging out with his 12 guy friends--he says they are doing his dad's work but....
That whole vow of simple life and poverty kind of sucks.
If one more person asks you "what would Jesus do?" you just might snap.
No one realizes just how hard it is to be good all the time. No drinking, cursing, etc.
Just exactly who is this Mary Magdalene person he is hanging out with? He might trust here, because, well he trusts everyone, but let's face it she is a fallen woman.
You can never take his dad's name in vain again.
Okay so these things are subjective and a bit ridiculous but in the end, let's face, the pros of being the wife of Jesus are going to far outweigh the cons. After all, the Bible says "Jesus is love" and what woman would say no to that.
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