'Tis the season of the so called blockbuster and every year the big summer tent pole movies come sooner and sooner--I mean seriously The Avengers came out a month ago. It seems studios aren't waiting for actual summer to get here before pushing out their hoped for blockbusters and by the time we get to July it seems all the also rans are coming out and everyone is already thinking about the end of summer. I guess their thinking is if the movies a hit and everything else sucks then they will have the whole summer to just rake in the bucks, which I guess if you think about it is mostly true. The Hunger Games has been out 10 weeks now and people are still paying to see it as its total approaches $400 million in the US alone. With that being said and before you run out and plop down your money for just any old movie out there here are some simple things to look for to know if the movie you have chosen to see sucks and you should just wait for dvd or cable or something.
10. It's based on a old board game that only your geek of a cousin played way back in the 70's--and yes I mean you Battleship. Did anyone not learn their lesson from the Clue movie? C'mon--even Alexander Skarsgard had himself killed off early in this crapfest so he wouldn't have to do any stunts or spend anymore time than necessary on set. What's next Candy Land?
9. The movie has a pop star as one of the stars. You know who you are--Rihanna--I think Madonna has proven this adage time and sadly time again. It's different when you have a team of writers and producers telling you what and how to sing--it's quite another to actually act. Buy their music--yes--see their movies--ugh no!
8. Anything with Adam Sandler. Yes he has his fans but really--Little Nicky anyone? And That's My Boy--been done and still not funny--and Vanilla Ice is in this movie--see pop star thing above.
7. Tom Cruise singing. Okay I know they needed a star with a big name internationally but Rock of Ages just looks bad...and not the good kind of campy bad. This might have been an entertaining stage play but looks like a big screen train wreck.
6. Starring Taylor Kitsch! Sorry dude you are 0 for 2 between John Carter and Battleship but who couldn't see this coming since you were also in John Tucker Must Die, Snakes On a Plane, The Covenant? What does your future hold? You might become Vin Diesel or The Rock or maybe you should just consider going back to television.
5. IMDB credits more than 3 people with writing a movie that has barely 10 pages of dialogue. See any Transformers movie. Granted it is about the action but if they are re-writing the script as they film and then bring folks back for re-shoots you got a problem.
4. Directed by Michael Bay---I think this speaks for itself.
3. Tyler Perry's....whatever. How many times can you make the same movie?
2. Super stellar 3D action extravaganza! Seriously only Avatar has done 3D well--everything hasn't needed it and usually isn't shot in it so why bother? Plus it just makes the tickets more and who really needs that when popcorn is $4 for a small bag.
1. In theaters everywhere August! Once you get past the first week of August this month becomes the dumping ground for movie studios and these movies will be on dvd in about a month anyway so why bother--just go on a vacation like all of Europe--you'll probably see on a plane.
And that's it--if you keep these 10 guidelines in mind before heading out to the multiplex you can save yourself a lot of money and even better a ton of shame and regret from seeing a sucky movie. And yes--Battleship sucked.
10. It's based on a old board game that only your geek of a cousin played way back in the 70's--and yes I mean you Battleship. Did anyone not learn their lesson from the Clue movie? C'mon--even Alexander Skarsgard had himself killed off early in this crapfest so he wouldn't have to do any stunts or spend anymore time than necessary on set. What's next Candy Land?
9. The movie has a pop star as one of the stars. You know who you are--Rihanna--I think Madonna has proven this adage time and sadly time again. It's different when you have a team of writers and producers telling you what and how to sing--it's quite another to actually act. Buy their music--yes--see their movies--ugh no!
8. Anything with Adam Sandler. Yes he has his fans but really--Little Nicky anyone? And That's My Boy--been done and still not funny--and Vanilla Ice is in this movie--see pop star thing above.
7. Tom Cruise singing. Okay I know they needed a star with a big name internationally but Rock of Ages just looks bad...and not the good kind of campy bad. This might have been an entertaining stage play but looks like a big screen train wreck.
6. Starring Taylor Kitsch! Sorry dude you are 0 for 2 between John Carter and Battleship but who couldn't see this coming since you were also in John Tucker Must Die, Snakes On a Plane, The Covenant? What does your future hold? You might become Vin Diesel or The Rock or maybe you should just consider going back to television.
5. IMDB credits more than 3 people with writing a movie that has barely 10 pages of dialogue. See any Transformers movie. Granted it is about the action but if they are re-writing the script as they film and then bring folks back for re-shoots you got a problem.
4. Directed by Michael Bay---I think this speaks for itself.
3. Tyler Perry's....whatever. How many times can you make the same movie?
2. Super stellar 3D action extravaganza! Seriously only Avatar has done 3D well--everything hasn't needed it and usually isn't shot in it so why bother? Plus it just makes the tickets more and who really needs that when popcorn is $4 for a small bag.
1. In theaters everywhere August! Once you get past the first week of August this month becomes the dumping ground for movie studios and these movies will be on dvd in about a month anyway so why bother--just go on a vacation like all of Europe--you'll probably see on a plane.
And that's it--if you keep these 10 guidelines in mind before heading out to the multiplex you can save yourself a lot of money and even better a ton of shame and regret from seeing a sucky movie. And yes--Battleship sucked.
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