Vanilla Ice, where have you been? Oh, yes, hiding out on the DIY Network with the Vanilla Ice Project. And now comes word that he's branching out and Vanilla will live in an Amish community in Ohio and learn about construction. Obviously he has a background in it already as he has been flipping houses in Los Angeles since the end of his moment in the sun, I mean white can't rap that funky music forever now can he? Reality television is all about conflict, and what better way to fake create that than throw a washed up 80's "rapper" who used MTV to become a star in with a bunch of no technology using folks. I can see it all now--"Raise a barn Jebadiah? Hell no, I wanna raise the roof! What?! Word to your mutha!" But we kid Mr. Van Winkle (another unfortunate name). He's managed to stay in the public eye since freakin' 1989, riding his 2 hit wonder status (yes he had 2 top ten hits people and a greatest hits package!) onto other projects. I mean who can forget him on the Surreal Life season 2 with Erik Estrada, Tammy Faye Baker Messner, Ron Jeremy, et al--it was a classic in the early days or reality "realness." And really can anyone forget "Ninja Rap" from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze movie? Well, maybe you can, or more likely you've purposely forgotten it---"go ninja, go ninja!" Seriously though, here's ten things I'd like to see on the show:
1. An intense discussion on the merits of sampling--intellectual robbery for which you'll burn in hell or musical tribute even if the song created is crap?
2. Tattoos--is it still artwork of the devil if you get a Bible passage inked on your back?
3. Ice and Jeremiah having a talk without either one of them saying "yo' dog!"
4. Ice trying to figure out why the teens don't know who he is and who is this old man they keep referring to behind his back.
5. Ice and the young folk out for a joyride---in a buggy.
6. Who will break first--Ice admitting he really has no talent or the Amish dudes admitting they really don't know jack about barn raising.
7. Vanilla commiserating behind the newly raised barn with a joint after they told him no they really don't need him to rap the Bible for them.
8. Vanilla trying to understand that baptism is not Amish code word for skinny dipping.
9. A GIF of the head Amish guy just shaking his head over and over and over again at everything Ice says and does.
10. I really, really, really, hope Ice challenges the Amish crew to a rap battle supreme and "bring this barn down!" Which the Amish don't really understand since they just put the barn up.
Obviously, none of this will ever happen, but then again, where reality television is concerned you never know. Are you listening DIY Network? Please make this more interesting than just wood screws and putting up a barn--I beg you--you could have a buzzy goldmine here so don't bore us or it down.
1. An intense discussion on the merits of sampling--intellectual robbery for which you'll burn in hell or musical tribute even if the song created is crap?
2. Tattoos--is it still artwork of the devil if you get a Bible passage inked on your back?
3. Ice and Jeremiah having a talk without either one of them saying "yo' dog!"
4. Ice trying to figure out why the teens don't know who he is and who is this old man they keep referring to behind his back.
5. Ice and the young folk out for a joyride---in a buggy.
6. Who will break first--Ice admitting he really has no talent or the Amish dudes admitting they really don't know jack about barn raising.
7. Vanilla commiserating behind the newly raised barn with a joint after they told him no they really don't need him to rap the Bible for them.
8. Vanilla trying to understand that baptism is not Amish code word for skinny dipping.
9. A GIF of the head Amish guy just shaking his head over and over and over again at everything Ice says and does.
10. I really, really, really, hope Ice challenges the Amish crew to a rap battle supreme and "bring this barn down!" Which the Amish don't really understand since they just put the barn up.
Obviously, none of this will ever happen, but then again, where reality television is concerned you never know. Are you listening DIY Network? Please make this more interesting than just wood screws and putting up a barn--I beg you--you could have a buzzy goldmine here so don't bore us or it down.
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